Haven City IM
by marneus90
Summary: Jak and co. get their hands/paws/claws on computers with an instant messenger included. Hilarity ensues. Expect people to be out of character, and have no real place within the canon. Rated for mild language.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: My first J+D fanfic, so please go easy on me! Read/review, would be nice! And if you're reading this you probably already know, but go look at MikaHaeli8's J+D fanfics. They be good, ja!**

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**Haven City IM**

Jak Mar studied the grey box before him intently, running his eyes over the rows of buttons alongside it and the large monitor above. He reached out a hand and felt the cold metal of the box briefly before receiving a sharp slap on the wrist from his better half, Keira. He rubbed his hand gently; the woman may not have a Dark side like him, but it sure felt like it sometimes!

"So, what does this thing do?" he asked, resisting the temptation to touch it again.

The woman sighed. "It's a stationary positronic textual communications device, Jak."

"Uh, could I have that in English?" he had to duck a flying wrench before he got an answer.

"You can use it to talk to people anywhere on the planet," she explained irritably. "Honestly, I swear I must have told you that about five times already!"

Jak began flicking through the instruction manual, but felt an irresistible urge to ignore everything it said. He'd figure out how to make it work without needing to touch the manual, he was sure.

"Now, this is a very delicate piece of equipment so I've rigged up a second one for myself. I don't trust the way you handle my equipment."

"Oh?" Jak replied cockily. "You weren't complaining about the way I handled your equipment last night," he received another well-aimed spanner for the comment, striking just below where his legs met his torso. "Precursors, Keira, be careful!"

"I won't miss next time, are we clear?"

"Yes, ma'am," he gulped.

The next half an hour was spent setting up the two machines and connecting them to the network. Jak simply sat back with a mug of dark coffee while Keira worked to get everything up and running. When she was done, she disappeared for a shower, leaving Jak's terminal at a screen which displayed the words "Register," and "Log in." He stared at them for a few minutes, utterly confused by their presence and meaning. How dare they intrude upon him like this?

"KEIRA!"

The mechanic swayed back into the room, wrapped in a towel.

"Click the one that says 'Register' Jak," she sighed.

"Click?"

"Here, let me."

She grabbed a small half-egg shaped object at the side, making a tiny picture of a Blaster magazine move across the screen and pressed down on the egg when it hovered over the word "Register."

"Now, type in on the keyboard what you want your username and password to be. Then you can log in."

Very few of these words made any sense to Jak, but he obeyed willingly, tapping slowly onto the letters a unique username and password. By the time he'd finished that, Keira had left the shower and plonked herself in front of her own screen. He rather childishly tried to hide his screen from her prying eyes, but gave up when he realised that she wasn't in the least bit interested. Seconds later, Jak jumped back in surprise as a dialogue box appeared on his screen.

His mind thought this:_ "Another intruder into my territory. We'll see how long it lasts,"_

But his voice said this: "KEIRA!"

"Precursors, Jak, what is it now?" she half-shouted.

"There's a box on my screen and I can't do anything about it!" he whined in the manner of a five-year-old.

"Oh, that'll be the friend request I sent you. Just click the word 'Accept' and then click on my name twice." The technician didn't take her eyes from the screen all the while she was explaining this, evidently enthralled in her own conversations. Jak shrugged and did as he was told. Another question suddenly dawned on him.

"How did you know what I picked as my username?"

"Oh come on, Jak, you're about as difficult to read as Daxter!"

Yet again, Jak's face was a vision of confusion. He wasn't sure if he was being complimented, insulted, or any of the above. He decided not to think about it, instead directing his attention to the screen. What met his eyes was a flurry of text-based exchanges, along with several faces and pictures, the meanings of which were lost on him. Tentatively, he began to type.

**Jak_Mar: **

Hello?

**Mechanical Girl: **

About time you spoke!

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Oh, so THAT'S who you were talking about! How's it goin, Jak?

**Jak_Mar:**

Dax, that you? Why do you have all those numbers in your name?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Oh boy, you got a lot to learn about this thing!

**Mechanical Girl:**

Be nice to him, Dax!

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Oh, like you were being a minute ago?

**Mechanical Girl:**

Don't you dare say anything

**Jak_Mar:**

Am I interrupting something?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Well your lovely girlfriend was saying some very un-lovely things about you

**Mechanical Girl:**

Urgh, Daxter when I get my hands on you I'm going to find the nearest pool of Dark Eco and throw you into it!

I hope you come out again as a Metal Head so I have a good excuse to kill you!

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Relax, dollface, I ain't said nothing yet.

Torn Asunder has entered the room

**Torn Asunder:**

Morning.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng waves at Torn**

**Mechanical Girl:**

Hey Torn! Look who we got into this now!

**Torn Asunder:**

Great, another useless addition. Shouldn't you be protecting Haven or something?

**Jak_Mar:**

I dunno. Shouldn't you be stabbing people in the back?

**Mechanical Girl:**

Jak, behave yourself!

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng cracks whip**

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Speaking of whipped… Torn, what's Ashelin up to?

**Torn Asunder:**

She went out.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Oooh, that doesn't sound good. Something happen between you two?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Again.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Dax!

**Torn Asunder:**

And why would I tell you if it had? Keep your nose out.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

So…

**Mechanical Girl:**

Jak, you've gone quiet. What's up?

**Jak_Mar:**

Nothing. I have to go out for a bit.

Jak_Mar has left the room

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Coincidence? I think not.

**Torn Asunder:**

Now who's stabbing who in the back?

**Mechanical Girl:**

Guys, I doubt it's anything like that! Put a sock in it, both of you.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Gotta admit, it's some crazy timing, ain't it?

**Mechanical Girl:**

Jak's not like that. Not anymore.

**Torn Asunder:**

Glad you've got faith in him. I guess someone has to, at least out of sympathy.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Yeah, anyway… get your top off Keira!

**Mechanical Girl:**

That's it, Dax. You're losing your genitals. I'll put them in a box for Tess to keep though.

**Torn Asunder:**

Hah! You're in for it now you disgusting little rat.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng exits stage left!**

0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng has left the room


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Had to take this down momentarily to edit, apologies (especially to you, Mika!) Read/review/suggest! Your ideas might even get put in if I run out/think they're funnier than my own. Both scenarios are entirely likely.**

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**Mechanical Girl:**

Well, this is kinda boring now…

**Torn Asunder:**

Yup.

**Mechanical Girl:**

You're not very good at this conversation thing, are you?

**Torn Asunder:**

Nope.

SigAimFire has entered the room

**SigAimFire:**

Hey kids

**Mechanical Girl:**

Morning Sig.

**SigAimFire:**

Bit empty round here, where's Dax?

**Torn Asunder:**

No doubt cowering someplace.

**SigAimFire:**

Haha, I wouldn't be surprised! He pissed you off again, Keira?

**Mechanical Girl:**

How'd you guess?

**SigAimFire:**

Cause that's all he ever does

**Torn Asunder:**

When he isn't drinking.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Or flirting.

**Torn Asunder:**

Or spouting surprisingly helpful advice to Jak.

**SigAimFire:**

You noticed that too? Kinda weird, ain't it?

Jak_Mar has entered the room

0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng has entered the room

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Found him knocking at my door, crying his eyes out, asking for my help.

**Jak_Mar:**

Shut up, Dax. I just went for a walk, that's all.

Luscious Hips has entered the room

**Jak_Mar:**

Hey Ashelin!

**Luscious Hips:**

Hey, handsome.

**Torn Asunder:**

Hello to you too, babe.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Jak, how did you know that was Ashelin?

**Luscious Hips:**

Don't get any ideas, Keira. We just bumped into each other while we were both out walking.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Yeah, bumped into each other. Several times. If you know what I mean. ;-)

**Torn Asunder:**

Jak, if I find out you've laid a finger on my girlfriend…

**Mechanical Girl:**

Jak, if I find out you've laid a finger on Torn's girlfriend…

**SigAimFire:**

Jak, if I found out you've laid a finger on my Peacemaker…

**Mechanical Girl glares at SigAimFire**

**SigAimFire:**

Shutting up.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Well, at least she's not having a go at me for once! Thanks for taking the heat off there, Sig.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Oh, I'm not done with you, Dax. Not by a long shot.

**Jak_Mar:**

Relax, Keira. We just talked.

**Mechanical Girl:**

It's okay, I believe you.

**SigAimFire:**

Good to see you on here at last, Chilli.

**Jak_Mar:**

Yeah, Keira coaxed me into it.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Hang on, you guys do know what day it is today, don't you?

**Jak_Mar:**

Keira, they don't need to know that

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Is it the day the Big Guy lost his virginity?

**Luscious Hips:**

No, I'd remember that one.

**Torn Asunder:**

I don't even care if that's a joke or not.

**SigAimFire:**

You going to tell us then, Keira?

**Mechanical Girl:**

It's Jak's birthday.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

:O

**SigAimFire:**

:O

**Luscious Hips:**

:O

**Torn Asunder yawns**

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Why didn't you ever tell me?

**Jak_Mar:**

I did, Dax. You just have bad date keeping skills.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Well, I invited some old friends to join us on here later on.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Drinks down at the Ottsel tonight! And Jakky boy drinks for free, seeing as how I'm such a nice guy and all.

**SigAimFire: **

I'll be there!

**Luscious Hips:**

Me too.

**Torn Asunder:**

I got nothing better to do.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Sounds like it's going to be a par-tay!

Old Log Head has entered the room

**Old Log Head:**

Good morning, children.

**Old Log Head:**

Hey, my name's changed!

**Old Log Head:**

Oh, I never was very good with these things. Keira, could you come over and explain this to me?

**Mechanical Girl sighs**

**Mechanical Girl:**

I suppose so. Switch it off, I'll be right over.

Mechanical Girl has left the room

Old Log Head has left the room

**Torn Asunder:**

Why do I get the feeling that the rat has something to do with this?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

If it was me, Tattooed Wonder, I'd be shouting it from the rooftops.

**Jak_Mar:**

He does have a point there.

**Torn Asunder:**

You're right, I doubt he's smart enough to do that anyway.

_Torn Asunder has changed their name to LOOK AT ME I'M A WALKING WORK OF ART_

**LOOK AT ME I'M A WALKING WORK OF ART:**

I take it back. Ratface, you're dead.

_LOOK AT ME I'M A WALKING WORK OF ART has changed their name to Torn Asunder_

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Don't look at me! I'm totally innocent!

**Jak_Mar:**

Yeah, for once.

**Torn Asunder:**

I don't believe you. I'm coming for your head, vermin.

Torn Asunder has left the room

**Luscious Lips laughs**

**Jak_Mar:**

You didn't…

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Yeah, she did.

**SigAimFire:**

Oh snap!

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Um, anyone want to give me a hand? I have a steaming pile of tattoos headed straight for me!

**SigAimFire:**

Did you do that to Samos as well?

**Luscious Hips:**

No. I respect the old man far too much. I just wanted to annoy Torn.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Damn, I love a sassy girl. Rawr!

**Jak_Mar:**

So who sabotaged Samos's username then?

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**Oooh, do I smell the seeds of a plot forming? I don't even know what seeds smell like.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N – Favourites are nice. Reviewing is nicer. Just a friendly reminder to you all, but Kyaneko in particular. Same goes for you, jka; I'm just as demanding as Mika, I'm afraid! ^^'**

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Same Old Samos has entered the room

**Same Old Samos:**

There, all fixed up now.

**Jak_Mar:**

Welcome back, Samos.

**Same Old Samos:**

Ah, Jak, good to see you here. We have much to discuss.

Mechanical Girl has entered the room

**Mechanical Girl:**

I've created a program that you should all download. It's an advanced firewall system that should stop anything like that happening to anyone else

_Mechanical Girl has posted the file "Firewall. exe"_

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Aww, what a shame that Torn is going to miss that.

**Mechanical Girl:**

I've already e-mailed it to him. He'll have the same protection as the rest of us.

**Luscious Hips:**

Precursors damn you, Hagai.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Oh, what is your problem now, Praxis?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

She can't hack Torn's username now.

**Mechanical Girl:**

So it was you that did that to Samos?

**Jak_Mar:**

_Luscious Hips: _

_No. I respect the old man far too much. I just wanted to annoy Torn._

**Luscious Hips:**

Thank you, Jak.

**SigAimFire:**

Okay kids, I've gotta shoot. I'll be back later.

SigAimFire has left the room

**Same Old Samos:**

Jak, I need you to retrieve some artefacts. Torn has the information you'll need. *

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

We're going to have to go on a big adventure again, aren't we?

**Same Old Samos:**

I'll give you support along the way, don't worry. But it can wait until tomorrow, enjoy your birthday for now. Speaking of which, I have a gift for you.

**Jak_Mar:**

We're going to the Ottsel tonight to celebrate, why don't you come and give it to me then?

**Same Old Samos:**

Because I don't drink, that's why. That, and I'm somewhat tied up at home at the moment.

**Jak_Mar:**

Alright then, I'll be right over.

Jak_Mar has left the room

Torn Asunder has entered the room

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Thanks for not murdering me back there, Tattoo boy.

**Torn Asunder:**

Don't get used to it, rat.

**Luscious Hips:**

Sorry honey, I couldn't resist.

**Torn Asunder:**

Don't worry. You'll be severely punished later.

**Luscious Hips:**

I can't wait ;-)

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Ugh, get a ROOM!

**Mechanical Girl:**

For once I agree with Dax.

**Same Old Samos:**

As do I, and that's even more rare than Keira doing so.

Gol'dfinger has entered the room

Maia-oh-my has entered the room

**Gol'dfinger:**

Greetings, puny mortals!

**Maia-oh-my:**

We heard that the wretched brat who spoiled our plans was here and we intend to make him pay.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Sorry doll, you just missed him

**Gol'dfinger:**

Drat and blast! And who might you be?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

None other than the legendary Daxter, best friend and the guy who graciously let Jak take all the credit for whooping your butts first time.

**Maia-oh-my:**

If you foiled us before, then we would be well within our boundaries to inflict our revenge upon you, would we not?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Ah… yeah, no I didn't really do anything. It was all Jak, I swear it!

**Mechanical Girl:**

Hang on, didn't you two fall into a vat of Dark Eco?

**Maia-oh-my:**

Didn't the same thing happen to the rat?

**Gol'dfinger:**

And what was the side effect of that?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

No. Way.

**Maia-oh-my:**

Yes. Regrettably, both Gol and I are now vermin like you

**Gol'dfinger:**

And now that I'm in this form, I can no longer use the powers I once had to return us to our normal forms.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Aw, shoot. Ain't that a damn shame?

**Same Old Samos:**

I did warn you, Gol.

**Gol'dfinger:**

Oh put a log in it, old man.

**Maia-oh-my:**

No matter. We have enlisted the aid of another being well versed in the effects of Dark Eco.

**Gol'dfinger:**

I have no doubt you know who he is, either.

Jak_Mar has entered the room

**Jak_Mar:**

Hey, what did I miss?

**Mechanical Girl:**

Come take a look at my screen, Jak.

**Gol'dfinger:**

Ah, the famous Jak returns.

**Jak_Mar:**

Gol and Maia, huh? Guess you haven't had enough of having your arses kicked, have you?

**Maia-oh-my:**

On the contrary, my dear boy. We were just explaining how we're going to annihilate you once and for all, and get our real bodies back in the process.

**Jak_Mar:**

Oh, and who'd be crazy enough to help you do that?

PraxisMakesPerfect has entered the room

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Ya HAD to ask, didn't you Jak?

**Jak_Mar:**

This is convenient. My enemies bunched up in one place. All I need now is some metal heads and I'll whip out the Fury and get this over with.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Um yeah, about your morph gun, Jak…

**Jak_Mar:**

Keira… don't tell me those parts scattered across the floor are what I think they are.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Well that depends on what you think they are.

**Jak_Mar:**

My morph gun?

**Mechanical Girl:**

You told me not to tell you if it was what you thought, so I wont!

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Oh boy…

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Bwahahahaha! This is priceless!

**Torn Asunder:**

Score one for the bad guys… ¬_¬

**Luscious Hips:**

Wow. This is about as surprising as it gets, really.

**Torn Asunder:**

Oh, you just wait Ash. I've seen Jak and Hagai duke it out before. It gets a whole lot worse.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Yeah, you ain't kidding.

**Gol'dfinger:**

We do not have time for this. Maia, let us be off. Praxis, we'll be in the labs.

Gol'dfinger has left the room

Maia-oh-my has left the room

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

I was planning on having a few slaves beaten today, maybe display it in public to cheer myself up, but this takes the eco!

**Jak_Mar:**

Can it, Praxis. Already forgotten about me kicking your arse too?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Yeah, ya big dumb oaf.

**Jak_Mar:**

You're talking to Praxis, right?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Uh, yeah! Sure, buddy!

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Rest assured, Mar, I will crush you. In time, you will meet your end.

**Jak_Mar:**

Yeah. Good luck with that. Send me a memo when you're ready.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

And me too! Jak'd be helpless without me. Right buddy?

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

If you only knew what I have in store. Good riddance, rodents!

PraxisMakesPerfect has left the room

**Jak_Mar:**

Thank the Precursors for that!

**Luscious Hips:**

I'm not even going to try apologising for him. He's such an idiot I almost feel bad working against him

**Torn Asunder:**

Yeah. Almost.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

So big guy, what'd old log head have for ya?

**Jak_Mar:**

Looks like a license plate made out of Precursor metal.

**Same Old Samos:**

Of course. It is the Numberplate of Mar.

**Mechanical Girl:**

You've got to be kidding.

**Jak_Mar:**

You sound way too excited about that, Keira. Anyway, if what I'm going after tomorrow is even half as crazy as this thing, I'll eat my hat.

**Torn Asunder:**

Funny you should say that actually…

**Jak_Mar:**

I don't even care anymore.

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***The events of this assignment are covered in MikaHaeli8's story "Unusual Artefacts" which is a hilarious read, so go read it!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N – First of all, sorry it's taken so long. Been distracted by someone and, more recently, college work. Before I start, very special thanks to jakxkeiraaddict for the hilarious reviews :D And of course, big thanks to everyone else that's reviewing, you're keeping me going with this :-)**

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**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

So, about this hat…?

**Jak_Mar:**

Don't you start, Dax.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Chill, Jakky boy, I ain't serious!

Ace_Racer has entered the room

**Jak_Mar:**

Who's this clown?

**Ace_Racer:**

I could ask you the same thing, Eco Freak.

**Jak_Mar:**

Oh, that makes sense. How's that ace racer thing working out for you, enjoying exploding into a ball of Dark Eco death?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Somebody call the doctor, we got a burn victim here!

**Ace_Racer:**

Your arrogance will be the end of all of you.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Oh, get out of here Erol, none of us want you here.

**Ace_Racer:**

Oh I beg to differ, Keira.

**Torn Asunder:**

Buzz off, creep. Keira doesn't have the hots for you.

**Ace_Racer:**

Don't be so cocky, traitor. Nobody has "the hots" for you either.

**Luscious Hips:**

Oh yeah?

**Ace_Racer:**

Ah yes, the OTHER traitor. I knew I should have killed both of you when I had the chance.

**Jak_Mar:**

Looks like you're outnumbered, Erol.

**Ace_Racer:**

Just the way I like it. You remember what I said to you before the big race, don't you, Jak?

**Jak_Mar:**

Not really. That explosion sort of clouded my memory.

**Ace_Racer:**

I want you, Jak.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

O.O

**Mechanical Girl:**

O.O

**Torn Asunder:**

O.O

**Luscious Hips:**

O.O

**Same Old Samos:**

What's going… oh my o.O

**Ace_Racer:**

I can't contain it any more. You ignite a passion in me that I have seldom felt before.

**Jak_Mar:**

Oh. My. God.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Um, Jak? When I told you to beat his arse, I didn't mean it like that.

**Jak_Mar:**

Keira, do you really think I would have done that? Anyway, I can't help being so attractive.

**Mechanical Girl:**

That's true.

**Luscious Hips:**

Seconded.

**Ace_Racer:**

Thirded.

**Mechanical Girl scowls at Ace_Racer.**

**Luscious Hips punches Ace_Racer in the stomach.**

**Ace_Racer:**

Calm down, girls, I'm sure there's enough of Mar to go around.

**Jak_Mar:**

Dax, I have never said this before in my life, but… save me.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Sorry buddy, would if I could but I've already met my once-in-a-lifetime hero quota.

**Jak_Mar:**

I knew we shouldn't have given Krew those game rights…

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Speak for yourself, I earned some major moolah from that!

**Torn Asunder:**

So Jak, how does it feel to have a gay admirer?

**Jak_Mar:**

I don't want to talk about this. Least of all you, Torn.

**Luscious Hips:**

Keira, I'm going to send you something privately. Take a look.

**Torn Asunder:**

Better be worried now, Jak.

**Luscious Hips:**

I found it on the net. What do you think?

**Mechanical Girl:**

I'm kinda speechless… never really thought about that before!

**Luscious Hips:**

Turn on?

**Mechanical Girl:**

Just a lot! Jak and Torn make a good couple, actually.

**Luscious Hips:**

Totally, right?

**Jak_Mar:**

Wait, WHAT?

**Torn Asunder:**

WHAT?

**Ace_Racer:**

Jak, I'm crushed!

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

No, you're exploded. Learn the difference, it could save your life!

**Jak_Mar:**

Keira, what the hell are you looking at? And why does it involve me and Torn?

**Torn Asunder:**

Hang on Jak, I know how to counter this. Have a look…

**Jak_Mar:**

Wow… that's pretty hot actually.

**Luscious Hips:**

Oh no, you did not just do what I think you did, did you?

**Torn Asunder:**

Afraid so. Karma's a bitch.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Jak, I can explain those.

**Jak_Mar:**

I'm all-exceptionally-large-ears.

**Mechanical Girl:**

We were…

**Luscious Hips:**

Drunk.

**Jak_Mar:**

Happens to you a lot, doesn't it Ash?

**Torn Asunder:**

She has a problem. I've sent her to the Haven Alcoholics Anonymous but given her reputation, she's hardly… anonymous.

**Luscious Hips:**

Tell them my life story, why don't you?

**Torn Asunder:**

Sorry baby, I'll shut up now.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Anyway… Jak, it was all just an accident, it didn't mean anything.

**Jak_Mar:**

Keira, I really don't care if it was an accident or not. I just have one question.

**Mechanical Girl:**

What is it?

**Jak_Mar:**

Can you film it next time?

**Mechanical Girl:**

No!

**Luscious Hips:**

Sure.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Woohoo Jak! Didn't think you had it in ya!

**Torn Asunder:**

Gotta hand it to you, Jak, that's a great idea.

**Mechanical Girl:**

What makes you think there will be a next time?

**Luscious Hips:**

Aw, Keira, you hurt me. Didn't you enjoy me?

**Mechanical Girl:**

I- You- I'm not talking about this with my DAD in the room.

**Ace_Racer:**

Yep, she enjoyed it.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Hey, that's my line loser!

**Ace_Racer:**

Sorry, when did you become an expert on same-sex relations?

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Point taken.

**Torn Asunder:**

I'm not surprised. Ash is a monster in the sack.

**Jak_Mar:**

Yeah, no kidding.

**Ace_Racer:**

A small part of me feels like I'm missing out.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Yeah, which part's that, your wang?

**Torn Asunder:**

Oh, snap! Better call that burn ward again.

**Ace_Racer:**

Curse you so-called "good guys"

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

You know why Jak doesn't have any feelings for you back? 'Cause you're an arsehole, that's why! If you quit that, then who knows?

**Ace_Racer:**

You might be right there, rat boy. And you are his best friend… very well.

Ace_Racer has left the room

**Jak_Mar:**

You shouldn't have done that, Dax.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

Eh, he's harmless.

**Jak_Mar:**

All the same… Keira, put my Morph back together please!

**Mechanical Girl:**

Oh alright! Didn't find anything useful anyway. Sorry, Ash.

**Luscious Hips:**

Don't worry about it, we'll just stick with the usual.

**Jak_Mar:**

I'm not sure what just happened there.

**0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng:**

I'll go get the video camera!

Same Old Samos has changed their name to ShoddySage

0r4ng3 L1gh7n1ng has changed their name to UrbanVermin

**UrbanVermin:**

Hey, what the hell?

Jak_Mar has changed their name to DarkEcoFreak

**DarkEcoFreak:**

What?

Luscious Hips has changed their name to TraitorWoman

Torn Asunder has changed their name to TraitorMan

**UrbanVermin:**

I can't change it back!

Mechanical Girl has changed their name to FreakSpawningMachine

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

Oh for crying out loud…

**DarkEcoFreak:**

I'm gonna KILL Praxis.

* * *

**Hoooey, plot time! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Let it be know I do NOT actually support any of the pairings I have written in this chapter (Besides JaKeira and AshTorn.)**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N – Yes, I forgot to change Samos' username in the previous chapter. Have updated it now and he is known as ShoddySage. Sorry about that! Also apologies for the wait, I've been busy with college work. Yeah... actually it's mostly games. But I've made progress on Jak II (Fighting the metal head leader) and decided to start Jak 3 too. :D Hope you can forgive me!  
**

**

* * *

**

_Meanwhile, in a different chat room…_

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Bwahaha! Excellent work you two!

**Gol'dfinger:**

We thank you for your co-operation, Baron.

**Maia-oh-my:**

And the large supply of Dark Eco as well.

**Gol'dfinger:**

Yes, and that.

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Well, we can help on another and work against a common enemy.

Ace_Racer has entered the room

**Ace_Racer:**

All has gone according to plan, Baron.

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Excellent. That act you pulled with Jak was the perfect distraction while we hacked their systems.

**Ace_Racer:**

Yes… act.

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

With any luck, phase 2 will begin shortly. I've given the signal.

_Back in the other room…_

**TraitorMan:**

What the hell is this?

**TraitorWoman:**

Keira, I thought you'd updated that firewall. How were we all hacked again?

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

How should I know, Praxis? I'm not the one with a grudge-bearing father.

**TraitorWoman:**

Are you implying that I had something to do with this?

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

I don't know, are you the daughter of a universal arsehole?

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Calm down, you two. This isn't getting us anywhere.

**UrbanVermin:**

Yeah. Keira, you're the mechanic, get to work fixing this!

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

Don't you dare order me around, Dax. I know that you could have done this just as much as Praxis could have.

**UrbanVermin: **

Seriously? You think I would have done this?

**ShoddySage:**

Keira. You are being a little harsh on him

**UrbanVermin:**

Thanks, log head!

**ShoddySage:**

Even if I do agree with you.

**UrbanVermin:**

I retract my previous statement of thanks.

**ShoddySage:**

But Daxter is also right, I suppose. You can fix this, I know you can.

[GUNZ] Krew has entered the room

**UrbanVermin:**

Oh great…

**[GUNZ] Krew:**

By now you should all be harbouring animosity towards one another, ey?

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Get the hell out of here, Krew.

**[GUNZ] Krew:**

You are also no doubt planning to attempt to escape this little predicament.

**UrbanVermin:**

How does he keep doing that?

**[GUNZ] Krew:**

My employers wish to extend an invitation to you, Jak my boy. You and your rodent.

**DarkEcoFreak:**

About time they came face-to-face with me.

**[GUNZ] Krew:**

Yes, Erol did mention that.

**TraitorMan:**

That's just nasty.

**TraitorWoman:**

Yeah, I could have done without hearing that.

**[GUNZ] Krew:**

Oh, and I wouldn't mess with those accounts, ey. Unless you want to drop the shield wall again and let those Metal Heads in.

[GUNZ] Krew has left the room

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

He's bluffing.

Vin_Eco has entered the room

**Vin_Eco:**

Oh boy, you guys aren't going to like this. Not one bit.

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Let me guess, the Baron's wired our accounts to let the shield wall down if we try to change them?

**Vin_Eco:**

The Baron's wired your accounts to- how'd you know?

**UrbanVermin:**

Krew just told us. The bad guys want Jak and me to go to them.

**Vin_Eco:**

Then you'd better do it, cos the accounts are on a timer as well! What's with the crazy names anyway, folks?

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

It's the Baron's fault.

SigAimFire has entered the room

SigAimFire has changed their name to SigSour

**SigSour:**

Hey kids, I'm back- what in the hell happened to my name?

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

Interesting, the virus appears to only attack specific people and only after they enter.

**SigSour:**

Virus? Damn, guess this is another of those things I can't do anything about. 'Cause if I can't shoot it, it's someone else's problem, right Jak?

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Yeah, you've said.

**UrbanVermin:**

I have HAD IT with those kangarats in our garden! Tess keeps complaining, telling me to sort it out…

**SigSour:**

Sounds like you could use the P.P.S!

**UrbanVermin:**

The whatnow?

**SigSour:**

The Peacemaker Protection System, of course! My patented service for all your home defence needs.

**UrbanVermin:**

Please, tell us more.

**SigSour:**

The PPS not only defends your home from the average kangarat, it'll deal with them quickly, effectively and most importantly, in a huge ball of fiery death!

**UrbanVermin:**

It sounds great and all, but what is this superb security system going to cost me?

**SigSour:**

Only four easy payments of fourteen ninety-five! Call in at our offices in Haven and Spargus, operators are standing by now!

**UrbanVermin:**

Jak, I know what I want for my birthday.

**DarkEcoFreak:**

We'll see. But now we've got a date with the bad guys.

**TraitorMan:**

A date with Erol, you mean?

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Screw you, Torn.

**TraitorMan:**

You wish.

DarkEcofreak has left the room

UrbanVermin has left the room

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

Do you think they'll be ok?

**ShoddySage:**

They always are.

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

I'm going to go offline now, need to work on an isolated machine to figure out how to fix this.

FreakSpawningMachine has left the room

**TraitorMan:**

Ashelin and I are going to see if we can find out what the Baron's really up to. See you round.

TraitorMan has left the room

TraitorWoman has left the room

**ShoddySage:**

Vin, how is it that your account isn't affected?

**Vin_Eco:**

How should I know? I have to leave now anyway. These things take way too much power to run!

Vin_Eco has left the room

**SigSour:**

Guess I'd better go too. Got a call in from Spargus so I'll check out what's happening there.

SigSour has left the room

**ShoddySage:**

So, how are you, Samos? I'm fine, thanks for asking. And yourself? Perfectly alright!

Precursors, I'm talking to myself. And not even my OTHER self.

Pecker the Great has entered the room

**ShoddySage:**

I think I would have preferred staying alone…


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N – This chapter's going to be a bit more story heavy than comedy I'm afraid. I'll do what I can to make the laughs flow though. I hope the ending will make up for it. :D**

**

* * *

**

Jak brought the zoomer to a standstill outside the palace, swinging the tail end of it out in a stylish manner, causing several pedestrians to dive to the floor. Flicking the engine off, he hopped off, Daxter somehow magnetically attaching back on to his shoulder. The pair strutted up to the monolithic doors, letting them grind open before entering. The palace was much the same as Jak had remembered it; red walls, guns pointed at him and portraits of the Baron staring down. _Good memories, _Jak thought to himself.

"Try getting into the throne room, Jak," Daxter suggested, completely out of the blue.

"How do you do that, Dax?"

"Do what?"

"Nevermind."

Nevertheless, Jak approached the throne room, expecting the doors to swing open and reveal a table full of his enemies. Instead, all he saw was a terminal similar to the one he'd left, displaying the same log on screen, only with a Krimzon Guard logo spinning behind it. The warrior approached cautiously, taking a seat in front of the screen. Tentatively, he logged on.

DarkEcoFreak has entered the room

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Greetings, Jak.

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Alright Praxis, what do you want?

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Isn't it obvious? I want to destroy you!

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Yeah, lovely, good luck with that. I thought we were meeting face-to-face. What's the matter? Chicken?

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

How DARE you mock me in my own palace?

**DarkEcoFreak:**

What are you going to do about it, chicken?

**Gol'dfinger:**

Praxis, don't aggravate him any more. You know what happens if his Dark side comes out.

**Maia-oh-my:**

Yes Gol, thank you for revealing that slice of information.

**[GUNZ] Krew:**

Stop your babbling, all of you. We want to make our guest feel welcome, ey?

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Yeah, when you guys are done fighting, mind telling me why I'm here?

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Yes. Well, you are here…

**Gol'dfinger:**

You're here because…

**Maia-oh-my:**

Because…

**DarkEcoFreak:**

You don't have any idea, do you?

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

I'm going to be straight with you. No. We don't.

**Gol'dfinger:**

We're going to blame Erol for that.

**AceRacer:**

Hey, I am here you know.

**Gol'dfinger:**

It's a shame he's not here. He'd probably be going round the bend because you're here.

**AceRacer:**

Damn it, Gol!

**Maia-oh-my:**

Yes, it's like this all the time. They'll peter out soon enough.

**DarkEcoFreak:**

I was wondering about that…

I wonder where Dax has gone. I could have sworn he was on my shoulder.

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

It's done, Gol. You'll have your new specimen shortly.

**DarkEcoFreak:**

You've got to be kidding.

**Gol'dfinger:**

Hahaha, yes! We shall soon be one step closer to regaining our bodies, Maia, and with no risk to ourselves!

**Maia-oh-my:**

I have to say, Praxis, I'm impressed. I didn't think you'd be able to do it. You don't come across as very stealthy.

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Well, Erol taught me a few tips he used to spy on Jak.

**DarkEcoFreak:**

I should be worrying about Dax, but now I just feel dirty…

**AceRacer:**

Yes Jak, you dirty, dirty Dark eco freak.

**[GUNZ] Krew**

That's nasty…

**Gol'dfinger:**

Oh like you can talk, you half-human, half-blimp hybrid.

**[GUNZ] Krew:**

That's the final straw, sage. I'm going to kill you.

Right after I finish this delightfully tasty treat, oh yes.

**Gol'dfinger:**

I shan't have to worry for a long time then.

**AceRacer:**

I shall have to take my leave. There is a raid that requires my attention.

AceRacer has left the room

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Well that's one weight off my mind.

**Maia-oh-my:**

Praxis, where's our specimen?

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

He should have arrived by now.

**DarkEcoFreak:**

Guess you guys didn't get the memo.

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

What memo would that be, Dark warrior?

DarkEcoFreak has changed their name to Jak_Mar

**Jak_Mar:**

Don't mess with Orange Lightning. ZA-ZA-ZING!

_Back in the other room…_

**ShoddySage:**

Pecker, what are you doing here?

**Pecker the Great:**

I was bored. Onin wanted me to check up on everyone but nobody is here. Onin is disappointed.

**ShoddySage:**

Onin can't speak, but surely she can type?

**Pecker the Great:**

Onin does not like technology. Also, her fingers tend to tie themselves in knots.

Where did that furry fiend get off to anyway?

**SoddySage:**

Oh you mean Daxter? He's off gallivanting around with Jak, no doubt trying to save the city or some nonsense like that.

**Pecker the Great:**

Pfft, he probably thinks he could save the city on his own.

**ShoddySage:**

I have no doubt that he does. You know, I always did like you more than Daxter.

**Pecker the Great:**

You flatter me, Samos.

**ShoddySage:**

Though that's no great achievement. I would, however, be more than happy to let you nest on my log.

**Pecker the Great:**

Thank you. I think.

FreakSpawningMachine has entered the room

**ShoddySage:**

Welcome back Keira.

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

This virus is more fiendish than I expected. They must have been working on it for quite some time!

**Pecker the Great:**

A VIRUS? SAMOS, WHAT WILL WE DO?

**ShoddySage:**

Calm down, Pecker. The others have it all under control.

**FreakSpawningMachine:**

Yeah. Under control. Right.

I wonder how Jak and Daxter are doing?

_In the Krimzon chat room…_

**Jak_Mar:**

Scared now, aren't you?

**PraxisMakesPerfect:**

Bwahaha, don't be a fool! You don't think a simple vermin could bring down our plans, do you?

PraxisMakesPerfect has changed their name to PraxisSucks

**PraxisSucks:**

What is this?

Gol'dfinger has changed their name to Gol'd and Ugly

Maia-oh-my has changed their name to MaiaGotImplants

**MaiaGotImplants:**

This is OUTRAGOUS!

[GUNZ] Krew has changed their name to FloatingFatass

**FloatingFatass:**

Oh, how original…

**PraxisSucks:**

I command you to change these names back, Dark eco freak!

**Jak_Mar:**

No can do, Baron. I haven't done anything.

**FloatingFatass:**

Might I remind you of the backup plan, Baron?

**PraxisSucks:**

Ah yes, go ahead and activate it.

**FloatingFatass:**

Done. You have one minute to live, Jak. Goodbye.

The throne room's door opened again, and Jak turned to it, coming face-to-face with Erol.

"Jak," he advanced on the seated warrior, his mechanised body making the floor shake with every step he took. "I was not joking about what I said before."

It was at that point that Jak noticed that the previous portraits of Praxis had changed to a timer, counting down from 30. He tried not to let on, rising to greet his enemy.

"See you've had some…" he looked down "Enhancements."

"All for you, my love," he cooed, placing a cold, metal hand on Jak's face. How he longed to feel the softness of the young man's skin.

"Yeah, well you wait here. I'm going to slip into something more comfortable," Jak removed the hand from his face. "I'll be back in just a minute." He eyed the timer. Fifteen. He turned and bolted from the palace.

"I'll be waiting!" Erol called after him in a sing-song voice before sighing happily. A regular beeping sound caught his cyberised ear and he looked around, attempting to locate it. His eyes fell on the wall hangings, the numbers on them descending quickly. It took Erol a few seconds to figure it out.

3…

2…

1…

"Oh, not again!"


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Thanks for the reviews, as always. Very much appreciated. JKA: I just... forgot to mention how Dax hacked the bad guys. Yeah. That's it. _ Anyway, I'll reveal that here. Also, I don't expect there shall be too many more chapters. Perhaps just this one and one more to cover the party and I'll call this completed. Thanks for all your comments, I really appreciate it. :)**

* * *

_On the Underground's network…_

FreakSpawningMachine has changed their name to Mechanical Girl

ShoddySage has changed their name to Same Old Samos

**Mechanical Girl:**

**Did you hear an explosion, dad?**

**Same Old Samos:**

Yes, sounds like Jak's done it again. And our names are back to normal too.

UrbanVermin has entered the room

UrbanVermin has changed their name to 0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Oh yeah, who's bad? Who just saved the day? Me, baby! ME!

TraitorMan has entered the room

TraitorWoman has entered the room

TraitorMan has changed their name to Torn_Asunder

TraitorWoman has changed their name to Luscious Hips

**Torn_Asunder:**

Good work, Keira.

Mechanical Girl:

I'm afraid I can't take any credit for it.

**Luscious Hips:**

Must have been Jak then.

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Y'know, I should be offended by this but no, I'm used to it by now.

Who am I kidding? I'm still offended! Damn it, I fixed it! Me! All me! You can ask Jak when he gets back.

**Same Old Samos:**

Where is Jak, by the way?

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Should be back by now… isn't he home yet, Keira?

**Mechanical Girl:**

No, no sign of him.

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

You don't think that explosion…

**Pecker the Great:**

How could you say such a thing? Have you no faith in your friend?

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

How would you know about friendship, bent-beak?

**Pecker the Great:**

A lot more than you, rat boy!

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Rat boy? I've been alive a hell of a lot longer than you, arse kisser!

**Pecker the Great:**

You were thrown through time, that doesn't mean you're older than me! Oh, and Onin says to shut up.

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Shut it feather butt, before I pluck you clean and roast you on a spit.

**Pecker the Great:**

Pah, you're so scrawny that I wouldn't even BOTHER trying to eat you.

SigSour has entered the room

SigSour has changed their name to SigAimFire

**SigAimFire:**

Hey kids. Where's Chilli?

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Not back yet.

**SigAimFire:**

I see. Wanted to tell him that was one hell of a boom he set off at the palace. I doubt those freaks will be bothering us again.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Well we're not sure where Jak is at the moment.

**SigAimFire:**

You don't think he got caught up in it, do you?

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng sticks his tongue out at Pecker the Great**

**Pecker the Great flips up his middle feather**

**Torn_Asunder:**

Not a chance. It'll take more than take to kill Jak.

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Aww, Tattoo boy, I didn't know you cared about him that much!

**Torn_Asunder:**

I don't. I just know how difficult he is to kill. I lost count of how many times I heard a scream echoing around a bottomless pit over the communicator, only to find out that he was still alive.

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Yeah, he's good with death like that.

**Mechanical Girl:**

Yeah, I hear it's a trait of the Mar bloodline.

Jak_Mar has entered the room

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

See, what'd I tell ya?

**Jak_Mar:**

Hey guys. All ready for the party later on?

**Pecker the Great:**

What party?

**Mechanical Girl:**

It's Jak's birthday. Daxter didn't want to let you know because you'd show up.

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Keiraaaaa! D:

**Pecker the Great:**

Congratulations Jak. And why in the name of the Precursors would I want to attend a party where that rat's drunken tail is going to be parading around?

**Jak_Mar:**

So you're not coming?

**Pecker the Great:**

Of course I'm coming! I'm not letting the furball ruin a good night out.

**Jak_Mar:**

How did I guess?

**Mechanical Girl:**

Jak, Daxter keeps proclaiming that he's the one that brought the bad guys to their knees this time. Please tell me he's joking.

**Jak_Mar:**

Sorry Keira, can't do that. It was all him.

**Same Old Samos:**

You mean that boy finally did something really useful?

**Jak_Mar:**

Seems that way.

One thing I want to know though, Dax. How did you do it?

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Well, Jak… Praxis crept up behind you and snatched me. He's a sneaky bastard and I gave him a black eye before he stuffed me in a cage. Next thing I saw was a long conveyor belt but the Baron had left the locks undone. So I bust out, manoeuvre through a whole battalion of Krimzon Guard without being seen, and find their computer mainframe. With a bit of my own Ottsel magic, I managed to not only disable the locks on our accounts, but also change everyone's names back and to add the insult to injury, I changed the bad guys' names too!

* * *

**A/N - Worth noting that the room stays silent for a good 5 minutes after that...

* * *

**

**Luscious Hips:**

Wow, I'm actually impressed.

**Torn_Asunder:**

Me too. Assuming any of it's true.

**Pecker the Great:**

Which is probably isn't.

**SigAimFire:**

Damn fine work there, Lightning.

**Same Old Samos:**

Yes, well done Daxter. Now, when in the name of the Precursors are you going to clean my hut?

**0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng:**

Whoa, look at the time! I'd better get down to the Ottsel and get the rest of this party ready. See you there folks!

0r4ng3_L1gh7n1ng has left the room

**Same Old Samos:**

Oooh, I'm going to get that rat one of these days.

**Jak_Mar:**

How long have you been saying that, Samos?

**Same Old Samos:**

Jak, I've lost count of the years.

**SigAimFire:**

I'll catch y'all later folks. It's a long ride to Haven from Spargus. And I've gotta make my plus 1 get his butt into gear.

**Mechanical Girl:**

See you both soon!

SigAimFire has left the room

**Jak_Mar:**

Who's he bringing with him?

**Torn Asunder:**

That information is top secret.

**Luscious Hips:**

That reminds me, I've got to get ready too. See you all at the Ottsel.

Luscious Hips has left the room

**Pecker the Great:**

Can I bring a guest too?

**Jak_Mar:**

Sure thing Pecker. At long as it's not Blitz or Mizo or whatever he's calling himself these days.

**Pecker the Great:**

Not by a long shot. See you!

Pecker the Great has left the room

**Same Old Samos:**

It's getting late for me too. And the hut won't clean itself, sadly. Happy birthday again, Jak. Have a good day.

**Jak_Mar:**

Thanks, Samos.

Same Old Samos has left the room

**Mechanical Girl:**

I have to go clean this grease off and get myself ready too. See you there Torn.

Mechanical Girl has left the room

**Torn_Asunder:**

She's going to take ages, isn't she?

**Jak_Mar:**

You bet.

**Torn_Asunder:**

Jak, I wanted to say something to you, but I don't know how…

**Jak_Mar:**

You'd better not be pulling an Erol on me.

**Torn_Asunder:**

I'll not comment on that.

It's difficult for me to say though.

**Jak_Mar:**

I got time. Lots of it. I can even slow it down if you'd like.

**Torn_Asunder:**

Won't be necessary.

I… wanted to apologise.

**Jak_Mar:**

What?

**Torn_Asunder:**

You read it, Mar. I'm sorry. For everything.

**Jak_Mar:**

What's brought this on?

**Torn_Asunder:**

I never got the chance to speak to you in private between bringing down Praxis and stopping the war raging on Haven's streets… I know I've been hard on you and you've only been trying to help.

**Jak_Mar:**

Wow. Torn, I don't know what to say.

I really appreciate it.

**Torn_Asunder:**

Hahaha, oh Precursors, the look on your face there must have been priceless!

**Jak_Mar:**

What?

**Torn_Asunder:**

Later, Jak.

Torn_Asunder has left the room

**Jak_Mar:**

What the hell was that about?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N - And so we come to the end. I do hope you've enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it. Always fun to do something humourous. Who knows, maybe I'll take a leaf out of Mika's book and write something serious based on a fandom?**

**Nah.**

**

* * *

**

Jak shut down his computer, emptying the chat room for the first time all day. He guessed everyone would be at the Ottsel by the time he arrived and decided to take his time making his way through the city to the bar. Picking up the hoverboard, he left the house, breaking every law against the compact mode of transportation in the process. The main one being the outlawing of said items. As he weaved through the streets, sending pedestrians diving for cover in all directions, he chuckled. Piloting the board was always his favourite time to think. He recalled all the times he'd rammed into the Krimzon Guard out on patrol, causing them to spontaneously multiply and crawl out of every nook and cranny, even from behind him when there were none there before. It took far too long to escape them…but then, he did have time.

_You only live once, _he thought.

Picking up speed, he hit a rail and slid into a grind down its length, slamming hard into the back of the KG's head and sending Jak into the air, instinctively putting the hoverboard on his back once more. For a second, he wondered why this happened, why it hurt him just as much to hit a KG as it did to get shot by a Metal Head. Putting it to the back of his mind, he re-mounted the hoverboard and sped off down the street once more, sending ever more people flying out of his path.

Despite taking his time, he arrived at the Naughty Ottsel a few minutes later to see the party in full swing. His friends were all gathered in one place, talking and laughing with each other. Present, as expected, were Torn, Ashelin, Daxter, Tess and Pecker. Sig's absence was explained by the fact that he lived in Spargus, but he'd arrive soon enough. Keira, on the other hand… where could she be? Jak made his way through the bar's usual patrons towards his friends who, upon seeing him ordered the lights off. The whole bar broke into a slightly drunken rendition of "happy birthday" while a repurposed KG death-bot wheeled in a light source, a large cake, shaped into a pile of metal head corpses, their skull gems glowing, with a miniature figurine of Jak standing atop it. The gathered party looked at Jak expectantly, as Torn handed him a new blue mod. Jak knew what to do. He fitted it to his morph gun and charged it up before releasing a massive wave of light from the muzzle that extinguished all the skull gems on the cake.

The Ottsel's lights came back on to the sound of three very disorganised cheers. Daxter's final one lasted a good while longer than anyone else's but upon finishing, the top of the cake exploded open, as a figure leapt out of it into Jak's arms. Before he knew what was happening or even who it was, he was knocked to the floor, the figure straddled across him. As his sight realigned itself, he took note of a head of blue-green hair and the features of the girl he'd fallen in love with all those years ago. As if on cue, Dax jumped down from the bar.

"Do you two want to take this somewhere else?" he asked, rather more politely than expected.

"You're one to talk," muttered Pecker. "The way you and Tess have been acting makes me want to puke."

Daxter responded immediately, forgetting the position Jak and Keira were in. "What was that, feather breath?"

The pair continued to argue, going through the usual flurry of insults to the point where everyone returned to their drinks. Keira stood up, pulling Jak up with her and kissing him on the cheek.

"Happy birthday, Jak," she said quietly. "I'll have more of what just happened when we get back home," she added, whispering into one of his extremely large ears. Jak couldn't help but let a grin spread across his face, which was enough to let everyone in the room know what had just been said.

The door slid open again as two wastelanders entered the bar, their backs to a massive explosion that silhouetted their bodies against it. The world moved in slow motion until the door closed behind them. The bar sat staring at the pair in silence, jaws on the floor.

"What?" Sig asked, genuinely confused at the attention. "Cool guys don't look at explosions," he explained. The patrons responded with a communal "Ooooh," of understanding and returned to their drinks and conversations. Sig cleared his throat though, silencing the room once more.

"I give you, King Damas of Spargus!" he boomed.

_Silence._

That was the sound that met the ears of all who were present. A few whispers bounced around the room.

"_Who's Damas?"_

"_What's a Spargus?"_

"_I like eggs…"_

Sig grumbled at his forgetfulness. Most of these kids were too young to remember when Praxis booted Damas out of the city and took over. The two men approached their friends, chased by even more whispers of relative confusion.

"Hey," Jak welcomed them, giving Sig the manliest hug ever to grace the world and bowing lightly to Damas.

"Happy birthday, Chilli Pepper," Sig pulled out a small box from underneath his armour. "Got you a little something."

Jak looked at the box, then to Sig, then back to the pink box, then back to Sig, and finally back to the pink box with a yellow ribbon.

"Uhh… thanks Sig."

"Open it, you dumb kid!"

Jak jumped in shock at Sig's sudden rise in volume and obliged the man immediately. The ribbon fell away easily and Jak took the top of the box off, peering inside.

"Keira, you're going to love this!" he called out to his girlfriend. She turned around and looked inside the box herself.

"Ooooh,"

"Yeah, my thoughts exactly. Thanks, Sig,"

"My pleasure, Chilli."

"Actually, I think it'll be my pleasure," Keira chuckled.

Damas shifted uncomfortably; he really didn't want to be hearing about his son's sex life. Without another word, he pulled out a long box of his own from apparently nowhere, handing it to Jak.

"I hope you like it,"

Jak ripped the wrapping paper from around it and slid the item from the box. Dax appeared on his shoulder having quite clearly gotten bored of insulting Pecker.

"Bloody hell," he exclaimed rather uncharacteristically. "That's a Nimbus 2000!"

"Dax, I think you've had too much to drink," Jak replied without looking at his friend. Instead, he examined the gunstaff in front of him. "Thanks, Damas, I appreciate it…"

"Are you sure?" the king asked his son.

"Well… I have my morph gun, don't I? I don't think I'll need this unless I disappear from this place to a far away land… and I don't see that happening!" Jak finished, laughing.

"Yeah," Daxter cut in again. "We ain't lettin' NOBODY take over OUR lives, right Jak?"

"Exactly," the warrior smiled.

Someone tapped Jak on the shoulder, handing him a small, thin case. On the front was a picture of him, Daxter and several other things he didn't understand. Inside was a small disc shaped object and a book full of strange markings. The pictures, however, made sense to Jak. With horror, he dropped the case to the floor and turned to stare directly at the camera.

"Do I HAVE to go and do that?"


End file.
